Herself is on a remarkably long streak of acting out her ugliest fears against me. When she is like this, she will say anything that she believes will get a rise out of me, with nothing out of bounds (( As witness her publicly disrespecting the thousands killed on 9/11 — she admitted in a chat that she said that only to “make” me react, though she declared that it was acceptable because she “doesn’t care about those people”. )). She also decides, when she is in these remarkably vicious moods, that nothing said privately matters or counts or has any meaning at all. Which means that it doesn’t matter what I have said — if I didn’t say it in public, with thousands of witnesses and much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I didn’t “really” mean it ((Yes, when she is in foul temper, she is the sole arbiter of what anyone else in the world means, especially me. )).
So, since nothing I say in private matters, I’ll make this little bit public, and maybe she can take some validation from it.
I sent her a file last night, an MP3 of me reading a story. I recorded it over the course of a few weeks, for her and for her alone. Since she’s been especially nasty, the first sentence of my email was “More proof that I don’t care about you and never think about you:” followed by the link to the file. Which, again, was something I spent some little time on recording and editing, and which I did only for her.
An SMS saying that she was glad I finally “admitted” that I don’t care about her, that she’s been waiting for me to “admit” it.
I responded that her reading comprehension needed some work, and that clearly that was not at all what I meant, and she shrieked back ((I did not realize it was possible to shriek on SMS, but there you are. )):
What the hell are u talking about u just said it yourself. Stop messing with my head.
On top of this, she tried to anger me by asking what she was supposed to do with the file, as she never reads the author of the story. It was, apparently, out of bounds to expect that she would appreciate that I made an effort for her and did a story I thought she would enjoy apart from whether she read that writer or not. Let alone to actually listen to the thing.
If nothing else, she is teaching me patience.