Upbeat Cynicism

what do you mean i lost my mind?

Desperation

with 7 comments

Herself is on a remarkably long streak of acting out her ugliest fears against me. When she is like this, she will say anything that she believes will get a rise out of me, with nothing out of bounds (( As witness her publicly disrespecting the thousands killed on 9/11 — she admitted in a chat that she said that only to “make” me react, though she declared that it was acceptable because she “doesn’t care about those people”. )). She also decides, when she is in these remarkably vicious moods, that nothing said privately matters or counts or has any meaning at all. Which means that it doesn’t matter what I have said — if I didn’t say it in public, with thousands of witnesses and much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I didn’t “really” mean it ((Yes, when she is in foul temper, she is the sole arbiter of what anyone else in the world means, especially me. )).

So, since nothing I say in private matters, I’ll make this little bit public, and maybe she can take some validation from it.

I sent her a file last night, an MP3 of me reading a story. I recorded it over the course of a few weeks, for her and for her alone. Since she’s been especially nasty, the first sentence of my email was “More proof that I don’t care about you and never think about you:” followed by the link to the file. Which, again, was something I spent some little time on recording and editing, and which I did only for her.

Her response?

An SMS saying that she was glad I finally “admitted” that I don’t care about her, that she’s been waiting for me to “admit” it.

I responded that her reading comprehension needed some work, and that clearly that was not at all what I meant, and she shrieked back ((I did not realize it was possible to shriek on SMS, but there you are. )):

What the hell are u talking about u just said it yourself. Stop messing with my head.

On top of this, she tried to anger me by asking what she was supposed to do with the file, as she never reads the author of the story. It was, apparently, out of bounds to expect that she would appreciate that I made an effort for her and did a story I thought she would enjoy apart from whether she read that writer or not. Let alone to actually listen to the thing.

If nothing else, she is teaching me patience.

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7 Responses

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  1. Wow, I never thought you’d go so low and resort to attacking me directly and openly on your blog. I can’t even defend myself.

    Roanne Jean Isisdro Valenzuela, Maryland RN license no. R188912

    24 September 2008 at 10:43 pm

  2. I already heard your mp3. I have no major complaints about it. You just go a little too fast in some parts, and I got slightly bored 15 minutes into the recording. Science fiction is simply not my thing. But the character voices are okay.

    Roanne Jean Isisdro Valenzuela, Maryland RN license no. R188912

    24 September 2008 at 10:50 pm

  3. And I deleted that detail so that if people went to my blog and asked if im the bitch Ian has blogged about, I could simply say that I don;t know you. So far, no one has clicked on my URL.

    Roanne Jean Isisdro Valenzuela, Maryland RN license no. R188912

    25 September 2008 at 8:49 am

  4. And I do communicate my needs, they just fall on deaf ears. Most of the time, I have to force you, beg you, nag you, manipulate you, coerce you just so you’d make a move. It’s not supposed to be like that. I have to ask you to make me a Flickr testimonial, I have to ask you to get me a Flick account, to take a pic of yourself for me, to tell me something about you, about your day, what you’re thinking, everything. You’re supposed to have some initiative, like most boyfriends do. I do appreciate that you made me an mp3, thanks, but you could have read something I like. Like Twilight or something. But it’s fine.

    Roanne Jean Isisdro Valenzuela, Maryland RN license no. R188912

    25 September 2008 at 10:11 am

  5. What incentive do I have to take initiative if every time I do, your response is as lackluster and unappreciative as the one above? No major complaints, but no thanks or appreciation at all for the effort I put into it, nor for trying to introduce you to something new to you, and you call it boring.

    This is the way you’ve treated pretty much everything I’ve done for you. It’s not really inspiring me to do more.

    And then when you pester me for more, you’re making it twice as bad, because you’re already pestering me, on top of which when I do do something, you’ll not only be unappreciative, but you’ll discount it because you asked me to do it.

    (Yes, you used the words “appreciate” and “thanks”. Eleven hours and twenty minutes after all the negative, and then only grudgingly. Again, this does not inspire me to invite more of the same.)

    Ian Michael Hamet

    25 September 2008 at 11:07 am

  6. Is that what I am to you? A pest?

    Roanne Jean Isisdro Valenzuela, Maryland RN license no. R188912

    28 September 2008 at 10:47 am

  7. Once again you manage to latch onto a single aspect of what I said, in this case the word “pester”, and ignore completely the actual point I was making.

    I did not say that you are or ever were only a pest, to me or to anybody else.

    What I said, in fact, was that a certain type of behavior from you guarantees a certain type of response from me. Furthermore, the fact that you do not like that type of response from me implies that you ought to change your behavior, else your protests are without merit or substance. If you will not even attempt to take the action that will get you what you want, how am I to believe that you want it in fact?

    But you constructed the straw man argument, claiming that I called you a pest, and implied that I view you as nothing else. This straw man allows you to play the victim and shift the blame back onto me, without having to deal with what I actually wrote.

    Nice try, too bad it did not work.

    Ian Michael Hamet

    29 September 2008 at 6:42 pm


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