Upbeat Cynicism

what do you mean i lost my mind?

Manly Movies

with 6 comments

John Hawkins tries to come up with a list of Manly Movies, but comes up way short, in this blogger’s not at all humble opinion:

Rooster Cogburn: Because no list of manly action movies is complete without a John Wayne movie on it.

Last Man Standing: A Bruce Willis gangster remake of “The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly.”

Marked for Death: They messed with his family and now they all have to die!

A Fistful of Dollars: “I don’t think it’s nice, you laughin’. You see, my mule don’t like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you’re laughin’ at him. Now if you apologize, like I know you’re going to, I might convince him that you really didn’t mean it.”

Patton: America’s God of War meets the Huns and beats them at their own game.

Rambo First Blood : He can eat stuff that would make a billy-goat puke, take out a helicopter with a rock, and kill as many men as you have with just a big knife.

Conan the Barbarian: Ah-nold bites the head off of a buzzard that tries to peck him and just kills everything. With a sword.

Tombstone: They picked a fight with Wyatt Earp and he hunted them into extinction for it.

Invasion USA: Chuck Norris vs. hundreds of Commie terrorists. The Commies were overmatched.

300: 300 Spartans vs. a million Persians and they’d rather die than surrender.

Let’s try to come up with a slightly less crappy list, shall we?

  • Red River. ‘Cause you gotta have John Wayne, and you want it actually to be a good movie.
  • Yojimbo. To hell with the remakes (Last Man Standing, which was a remake of A Fist Full of Dollars, which was a remake of this), watch the original bad-ass-drifter-cleans-up-the-dirty-little-town masterpiece.
  • Zulu. A few dozen redcoats holding the fort against thousands and thousands of Zulu warriors. It does not get manlier than that.
  • The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Because Leone needs to be here.
  • Patton. Can’t argue with this one. “Nobody ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country!”
  • First Blood. I don’t see the need to argue this one, either.
  • The Maltese Falcon. You can not have a manly movie list and not have Bogie on it. Feel free to trade out for High Sierra, The African Queen, or Casablanca, amongst many others.
  • The Killer. One vicious cop. One relentless killer. Ten thousand bullets.
  • The Train. Burt Lancaster. Directed by John Frankenheimer. Nazi bad guys. And a full-scale train crash. There is no arguing this one.
  • Where Eagles Dare. A hall full of Nazis run into Clint Eastwood, holding a machine gun in each hand. Suddenly, there’s a hall full of dead Nazis, and Clint.

That, at least, is an improvement.

(Please note that I have not yet seen 300, though all indications are that I will love it.)

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Written by [IMH]

12 May 2007 at 1:27 pm

Posted in movies

6 Responses

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  1. Enter The Dragon
    Slap Shot
    Dirty Harry
    Dr. No

    Those are my adds…

    GZ Expat

    12 May 2007 at 11:41 pm

  2. Enter The Dragon
    Slap Shot
    Dirty Harry
    Dr. No

    Those are my adds…

    GZ Expat

    12 May 2007 at 11:41 pm

  3. Worthy additions, all. I considered Dragon for my list, but opted for double Clint instead. Still, Bruce Lee and John Saxon and Jim Brown? Thatsa lotta testosterone.

    Ian

    13 May 2007 at 6:41 pm

  4. Worthy additions, all. I considered Dragon for my list, but opted for double Clint instead. Still, Bruce Lee and John Saxon and Jim Brown? Thatsa lotta testosterone.

    Ian

    13 May 2007 at 6:41 pm

  5. You WILL love it!

    Kevin Baker

    21 May 2007 at 7:02 pm

  6. You WILL love it!

    Kevin Baker

    21 May 2007 at 7:02 pm


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