John Hawkins tries to come up with a list of Manly Movies, but comes up way short, in this blogger’s not at all humble opinion:
Rooster Cogburn: Because no list of manly action movies is complete without a John Wayne movie on it.
Last Man Standing: A Bruce Willis gangster remake of “The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly.”
Marked for Death: They messed with his family and now they all have to die!
A Fistful of Dollars: “I don’t think it’s nice, you laughin’. You see, my mule don’t like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you’re laughin’ at him. Now if you apologize, like I know you’re going to, I might convince him that you really didn’t mean it.”
Patton: America’s God of War meets the Huns and beats them at their own game.
Rambo First Blood : He can eat stuff that would make a billy-goat puke, take out a helicopter with a rock, and kill as many men as you have with just a big knife.
Conan the Barbarian: Ah-nold bites the head off of a buzzard that tries to peck him and just kills everything. With a sword.
Tombstone: They picked a fight with Wyatt Earp and he hunted them into extinction for it.
Invasion USA: Chuck Norris vs. hundreds of Commie terrorists. The Commies were overmatched.
300: 300 Spartans vs. a million Persians and they’d rather die than surrender.
Let’s try to come up with a slightly less crappy list, shall we?
- Red River. ‘Cause you gotta have John Wayne, and you want it actually to be a good movie.
- Yojimbo. To hell with the remakes (Last Man Standing, which was a remake of A Fist Full of Dollars, which was a remake of this), watch the original bad-ass-drifter-cleans-up-the-dirty-little-town masterpiece.
- Zulu. A few dozen redcoats holding the fort against thousands and thousands of Zulu warriors. It does not get manlier than that.
- The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Because Leone needs to be here.
- Patton. Can’t argue with this one. “Nobody ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb bastard die for his country!”
- First Blood. I don’t see the need to argue this one, either.
- The Maltese Falcon. You can not have a manly movie list and not have Bogie on it. Feel free to trade out for High Sierra, The African Queen, or Casablanca, amongst many others.
- The Killer. One vicious cop. One relentless killer. Ten thousand bullets.
- The Train. Burt Lancaster. Directed by John Frankenheimer. Nazi bad guys. And a full-scale train crash. There is no arguing this one.
- Where Eagles Dare. A hall full of Nazis run into Clint Eastwood, holding a machine gun in each hand. Suddenly, there’s a hall full of dead Nazis, and Clint.
That, at least, is an improvement.
(Please note that I have not yet seen 300, though all indications are that I will love it.)